The Chump Lady Survival Guide to Infidelity: How to Regain Your Sanity After You've Been Cheated On

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When I busted her, my XW actually told me that she found “older, successful men irresistable”. Mind you, I’m 5 years older than her and was a partner in a pretty successful ad agency. So…that made me chopped liver, I guess.

i finally knew I was in a false reconciliation of the naugahyde type when I looked at our bedside tables: about 10 ‘how to heal from an affair’ books on my side.Actually this was a red flag when we were dating. He said his ex had had genital warts, but never informed me before we started seeing each other. That was a clue that he was a jerk, one I ignored.

Thanks, Jennifer — this is so well put. I’ve been thinking about these concepts as they relate to my STBX, and I don’t think they are just related to the affair. His FOO seems to struggle a lot with shame — which is likely a function of growing up in an alcoholic household and with a mother who drilled the perspective that they weren’t as good as other people into their developing brains. I think the shame led to rage: rage that I somehow didn’t see or absolve his shame, rage that he didn’t like himself while I had sufficient self esteem, rage that he couldn’t stop doing things (e.g., porn addiction) that made him feel even more shame. I think some of the sexual acting out was a passive aggressive way of expressing that rage, which led to guilt, which led to more shame because he couldn’t absolve the guilt. As to the argument of method disclosure and imitation, you’re omitting the fact that a person has to be suicidal to begin with. It isn’t as if a perfectly happy person reads a news article about a person gassing themselves and thinks, “huh, I think I’ll try that next Thursday after my yodelling lesson!”I can’t even pinpoint exactly how he communicated his disappointment in me. He was really so good at being subtle about it. But yes, the house was never clean enough, meals never fancy enough, sex never frequent enough or with enough variety. His less successful attempts to undermine me were when he would tell me stories of his patients who never had to change a diaper, and blah blah blah. At least I could see through those and I would actually protest and say that’s nice for them. But I guess even those still made me feel shitty like I wasn’t doing as much as some other women out there. Like I’m this big meanie drag of a woman who expects too much from her man. When the reverse is what was actually happening. The “Infidelity is a symptom of larger marital issues” argument implies that if you “cure” the marriage, the infidelity will disappear. Aside from the fact that the majority of cheaters report that they are happily married, it’s not unhappiness that makes people cheat—it’s poor character. Yes, they may be unhappy. People often are. It’s what you choose to do about it.”

It was only about a year after D-Day that I realized I had very nearly created this same scenario for FW. He had been systematically erasing me from his life and he very nearly accomplished the final piece. I really believe he intended to quietly lay schmoopie’s face over all of his family photos and family history and no one would ever notice. She would have received my life insurance, my home and my adult children were clueless enough to believe his messaging of “Poor Dad! He deserves to be happy. He’s such a good guy.” If you feel like this divorce was forced on you, that you didn’t want it, that there is something to miss—get over that. You can’t be with your cheater because you aren’t a good match. You don’t share the same ideas about love, family, and relationships. To be with that person would be squelching a fundamental part of yourself—the person who demands reciprocity, honesty, and fidelity in marriage. In a way, it’s nothing personal. You are just two people who have nothing in common except shared history.” oh I know about that story! commented on it on the Huffington Post… because my ex actually is a dentist!Oh, and I forgot the best part….. the follow up. A couple of years later a friend told me he and the OW broke up because he couldn’t stop raving about what a great person I was, how wonderful, how could he have let me go??? I felt inadequate for ages until someone pointed out post-divorce, “You’re not a bad maid/nanny/ATM, Red – your XH just didn’t make enough money. If he didn’t have the lifestyle he wanted, that’s HIS fault, not yours. Besides, if you do all the work and make all the money, what in the hell do you need HIM for?” And that was that. I passionlessly looked at the mediator and said “See what I have had to deal with?”

That was really sweet! We all need to accept ourselves, and be only with the ones who accept us too.NTB, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Your post made me think of this quote attributed to Harriet Tubman, that I know Hillary Clinton used in a speech, and which I have loved ever since and which I think is apropos for you today: yeah, but god forbid you complain about something that happened during your day at home. At least in my case. If I ever dared to complain about something about the kids or something, I wasn’t “grateful” enough that I was able to stay home. I got neither sympathy nor solutions. I got one upsmanship. Him going “well at least you didn’t have to deal with this…” and go on about how much worse his day was. Now, some people (and we call them sociopaths), simply don’t feel these emotions. And we see with horrific clarity what happens when Ted Bundy or John Wayne Gacy have no Guilt or Shame for their behavior. This is why we need these two emotions. They what stand between society and the more base desires of every human soul. He has handled the affair situation in the worst possible way – he has lied to me about everything until he gets caught, then admits the absolute minimum amount of information he can get away with. He has been in individual therapy for 18 months and we have been in couples therapy for 15 months, so he knows full well that it is his responsibility to set the truth on the table and that there can be no trust between us or healing of our relationship until he does. But he just…can’t.